Seeking Answers and Help: Lemonade!

I spent the weekend with a friend recently who confided in me that her teenage son was really struggling at home, in school and with friends. She and her husband don't know what to do, how to handle the situation or where to turn. Her house and life is in constant chaos and hugely stressful.

Geez, could I empathize! I remember walking on eggshells around Chloe, trying desperately not to rock the boat and throw her into a major rage that could last hours. It was a miserable time in our household that lasted for years. We were, in essence, prisoners of our own home by our daughter from the time she was five or six years old until she attended treatment last summer. For those who don't deal with mental illness on a daily basis, it can be difficult to understand and sympathize with the situation, concluding it MUST be poor parenting.

Now, my friend's son has been branded "a difficult" kid by his school, unwilling to cooperate and a trouble-maker. I feel sad and frustrated for my friend and her family who aren't receiving the resources they so desperately need from the school. I understand what it feels like to have nowhere to turn; to feel completely isolated and alone.

I suggested to my friend that she take her son to get evaluated by a professional. I don't know whether he has a mental illness but from what I understand, his self esteem is plummeting and he's becoming depressed, withdrawn, out of control and lost in the school system. In the very least, he may be able to benefit from some professional guidance.

One of the best lessons I learned from Chloe's treatment was that kids don't want to behave badly and they do the best they can with what they have. Whether that's a caring and supportive family, a chemical imbalance which causes undue stress and chaos, or a situation filled with abuse and drugs, we all are products of our environment, and in some cases, nature. I'm proud of my friend for having the courage to confide in me about her family's struggles and seek answers. She's taking the first step in regaining a healthy home. Lemonade for her!

Painful Observations: Lemon

Sometimes it's hard to watch your kids grow up. I personally struggle seeing Chloe trying to build friendships. It has always been a challenge for her. I can remember even at age three her pre-school teacher telling me she didn't easily make friends and would go stand by the bunny every day during recess.

Now, at age 13, Chloe continues to struggle making and keeping friends. Understanding body language and boundaries for kids and people like Chloe is a challenge at best. What comes easily and naturally for sister Sophia is a daily labyrinth for Chloe, navigating what to do or say in a multitude of situations. When framed in this context, it's easy to see why kids and people with Aspergers get frustrated and depressed.

I take some of Chloe's classmates from Armadillo every Friday to an animal rehabilitation farm where the kids earn work credit. I witness first hand the growing pains she and some of the other kids experience because of their "different" behavior. Even among those kids who ignore Chloe or shun her, it is a stark reminder that kids do the best they can with what they have. Kids' and adults' reactions are born from preconceived notions and a lack of understanding about how to interact with those unlike us.

One of my daily reminders and affirmations: Be patient, caring and supportive. Life can be painful: Lemon!

Pix: Chloe, 13; Sophia, 12

Bitter Relapses: Lemons

Relapses are a bitter reminder that a mental illness must always be managed. I received a message from a college friend last weekend that her 14-year-old Aspergers daughter had been admitted to inpatient treatment for severe depression. Her daughter is a cutter and had a similar episode a year ago. People cut to mask the pain they feel inside; to distract them from it. For many, it's a very shameful behavior but one that can become addictive quickly. Other behaviors that mask internal pain are drinking too much, overworking, gambling, shopping (guilty), eating disorders, the list goes on.

Chloe struggles with depression too and for a kid with Aspergers, it can often go unnoticed because of their deep thinking, introverted personality. My friend's message perked up my awareness and reminded me the importance of checking in with both my girls. It's easy to get wrapped up in my own thoughts and life that I forget to be conscious of my daughters' behaviors and body language, especially Chloe's. Sophia is good at expressing her feelings but Chloe struggles with identifying what her feelings are in the present. It can take weeks for her to process them then connect feelings to thoughts and words.

I want to thank my friend for sharing with me her family's current struggles with her daughter. It was a good reminder for me to be aware of our loved ones, especially those who struggle, and check in periodically. Sending positive energy your way, IU sister!

"I told my class about my bipolar": Lemonade!

Chloe had a few of her classmates from Armadillo over a few weeks ago for a sleepover. We were all talking and she says to me nonchalantly, "I told my class about my bipolar the other day." Surprised, I said, "You did? How'd that come up?" "I emailed Jesse (science teacher, they use first names at Armadillo) information on bipolar and Aspergers and asked if I could tell my class about it," she said confidently. "Wow! Good for you Chloe!" I said.

Our girl has come a long way! I think we adults could all learn a lot from Chloe's courage and strength to defy the shame and stigma of mental illness and be real about what it is and who she is. Just like anyone with a mental illness, she can't control having it but she can manage it.

We are grateful and encouraged for her continued progress and we are working through life's trials one day at a time. Early intervention with a mental illness is critical and can prevent numerous other issues down the road, not just personally but in the community as well (remember my friend's "crazy neighbor", or Sandyhook, Virginia Tech, Columbine and so many others?). For every success story like Chloe, there are probably 10 kids or people and their families suffering out there because they don't know what to do, don't have the resources to get help, and remain stuck in the vicious miserable cycle of mental illness. NAMI.org is a good resource and place to start. But just like Chloe, we have a long way to go!

New Skills with School: Lemonade!

First week down with the girls back in school and feeling successful. I was so proud of Chloe last weekend before her first day back. It's common for those of us who struggle with a mental illness to try to bite off more than we know we can chew. Unlike those of you with "normal" brains, we tend to be hyper-sensitive and overstimulated easily. We can't power through things or "suck it up" like many can.

Last week, Chloe told me she wanted to go to school full-time starting the first day back. My stomach dropped when she told me. The circumstances seemed all too familiar from the past three years. She would go into school all gung-ho and excited only to get overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated, defeated and then depressed. Depression would turn into dread of attending school and then refusal, unable to get past her fear of failure. A self-defeating cycle that would haunt her day after day, causing her to miss a lot of school. Last year, Chloe was enrolled part-time but only attended about 30% of the time. We found an amazing school that caters to kids who struggle like Chloe. It's called Armadillo Technical Institute. They have much smaller class sizes and are able to be very flexible with schedules and expectations.

After Chloe told me she wanted to go full-time, I remained calm and positive and encouraged her to use her new skills moving forward and listen to her body's cues. Jeff and I let her know that if she needed to scale back we would be supportive and she shouldn't feel badly about herself or ashamed. The days passed by as we planned transportation and meal needs for her full-time schedule. About 6 p.m. the night before her first day at school, Chloe said to me, "Mama, I've decided I only want to go to school part-time. I think it will be too much for me if I go full-time."

"Hallelujah!" That was the best news I'd heard in months! Her self-realization of what was appropriate for her was a sweet lemonade victory and worth some of that misery and pain we all endured last summer. Cheers to part-time school for my Chloe!

Chloe's Home - Lemonade!

"Chloe's Home!" is what my husband and I laughingly said to each other after I walked up the stairs the other night after arriving home from work and my evening workout. There was stuff strewn from one end of the house to the other. Jeff described the elaborate cat fort that Chloe had devised with bed sheets outside on the upper deck. A plethora of huge trash bags were stuffed with toys, dolls and the like all ready for a grand garage sale Chloe is planning in an effort to make some extra school shopping money.

You see, this was the first day Jeff and I came home from work after Chloe's discharge. We discharged Chloe on a Thursday and immediately headed north for a soccer tournament with Sophia's team. She did great in Portland over the long weekend and we were so proud of how she used her new skills to communicate when she was overstimulated and struggling.

This first week home has been very successful as Chloe works hard to implement healthy habits and stay on track. Our therapist informs us that changing routines at home will be super difficult for Chloe and hard work. She says that for the past 13 years, Chloe has been on the same path, carving a trench in her mind and among her neurotransmitters. Now, we're asking her to change the path of those neurotransmitters with only 10 weeks of practice at treatment. She is doing super and is trudging along practicing healthy habits.

This evening we celebrated with the grandparents Chloe's successful arrival home. We're so happy to have her back and work on healthy days with her. Yummy lemonade my girl! We are so proud of you!!

Lemonade Ahead!

We're excited to report that Chloe will be discharged from residential treatment on Thursday! Just in time to travel to Portland to watch Sophia's soccer tournament. It has definitely been an eye opening journey and one that we will continue. I'm so proud of Chloe for her hard work, determination and courage and we welcome her home with open arms.

We all mourn the tragedy of Robin Williams taking his life yesterday, all at the hands of mental illness that is so shunned and stigmatized in our society. It shouldn't take his death to shed light on this void in resources, acceptance and support in our communities.

If you're a Southern Orgonian, join me at the March4Hope on Saturday, September 13, 2 pm at the Inn at the Commons in downtown Medford. Senator Dr. Alan Bates will be speaking to help raise awareness and urge reform. For more information, visit NAMI-SO on Facebook. Spread the lemonade!

She Won't Come Home Fixed: Lemonade!

Chloe was bound and determined
to swim in the river!

I have to admit, this post title is a little bitter sweet! The reality of sending your child or someone you love to treatment, no matter what the circumstance, is that there is a whole lot of work to be done by everybody involved. Honestly, I did expect that there would be a lot more down time at home, now that Chloe was off "getting treatment." But as my therapist so bluntly said, "Don't think that she'll just come home and be fixed. You guys have a lot of work to do!"


Boy was she right! First, as a high maintenance kid, Chloe makes sure that we're "present" as much as possible. Whether it's our twice a day phone check-ins, meeting her at the mall on a group outing, going up north for joint therapy, or partaking in an organized family activity, Chloe continues to advocate for her needs.

The ducks and geese joined our picnic.

While Chloe is home on weekends, we all are working hard to implement new family and parenting strategies that are most effective for kids on the autism spectrum and those with mental illness. They call it collaborative problem solving and while it is super effective with her, it takes about 10 times as long as the "old school" method most of us were raised with. But if you have a challenging child, checking out this method is a life-saver!

Last weekend was our third weekend with Chloe home. She has been doing great but understandably struggles transitioning back to the treatment center. If we have one more successful weekend this week, we will all earn the next weekend with two nights with her home instead of one!

We realize that the process with Chloe will be lifelong and the hardest part is yet to come, after we take her home for good and put our work into practice consistently. People on the autism spectrum have a neurological condition, which can never be "fixed." Mental illness requires constant management of emotions and circumstances and in Chloe's case, medication that helps stabilize her brain chemicals and mood.

For More Information about Collaborative Problem Solving:
http://www.livesinthebalance.org/
http://www.ccps.info/
http://thinkkids.org/learn/our-collaborative-problem-solving-approach/

Limited Mental Health Resources: Lemon!

I don't know what it's like in other parts of the country but in Southern Oregon resources to support the mental health system stink! A friend of mine recently told me a story about her neighbor that I'd like to share.

"My neighbor who lives directly across the street from us is crazy!" said my friend (I'll call her Jess because that's her name). She recounted how the other day he was outside his house screaming, "I'm going to f***ing kill you!" Apparently, he wasn't directing his assaults to anyone in particular, so Jess and her husband called the police to report the incident. The police came to the scene but because nothing actually happened, they were unable to take action (sound familiar?).

A few days later, Jess said the neighbor was out in front of his house again yelling profanities, but this time waving a gun in the air! (Keep in mind, Jess and her family live in a NICE neighborhood; we're not talking low income housing.) So, she and her husband again called the police but the story has the same ending...He didn't actually harm anyone or cause physical damage, so the police were unable to apprehend him.

Fast forward to just a few days ago, the neighbor burglarized a local Chinese restaurant with two shotguns in his possession. Fortunately, the man was apprehended and taken to jail before anyone was seriously injured. Sadly, however, there was no room in the psychiatric unit at the local hospital where he could have been evaluated and treated. Just a few hours after he was arrested, he was released without posting bail and is now back home as Jess's neighbor across the street!

You might be thinking this all sounds all too familiar to circumstances you've seen or heard on the news. Some of you might have even experienced a similar incident to my friend Jess and her family. After heinous gun crimes occur at the hands of someone mentally ill, there is always a huge uproar about gun control for days and weeks on end. I always wonder, where's the uproar in congress and in the media for amending legislation and allocating resources to address mental illness in our schools, the justice system and health care?

The system of how we manage and care for our mentally ill citizens has to change. It's so reactive. Look at Jess's neighbor. He was able to rant with a gun in front of his house without getting arrested because he didn't hurt anyone! Really? Jess's neighborhood is full of families with children and she has four young ones of her own.

I don't know what the solution is but the status quo isn't working and it seems to be getting progressively worse. An organization I frequently rely on as a resource is the National Association of Mental Illness, www.nami.org. They are making great strides in raising awareness, advocacy and affecting change with the issues surrounding mental illness. Anyone can get involved, donate or share their story. Visit NAMI or more information. Help me make lemonade, people! :-)

Share your stories in a comment below. I'd love to hear from you!

Silent Siblings: Lemon

Sophia is our other daughter, the silent sibling, who learned during her earliest years how to be the best enabler of her unpredictable and often volatile sister. She yearns to be perfect and not rock the boat, in an effort to prevent further stress for her weary parents. However, in the process, her feelings have been stifled and suppressed and she is frequently exhausted playing with her sister who seems to have boundless energy and ideas.

The work for Sophia in setting boundaries with her sister and establishing a voice in our family is also a work in progress during our journey in creating a healthier and happier home. We are so grateful and proud of our bright, beautiful, patient and accepting daughter for all the gifts she has bestowed upon our dysfunctional family throughout the years. She is definitely a great lemonade helper!

Kairos Residential Treatment: Lemonade!!

Kairos - What an amazing place for Chloe and how lucky Southern Oregon is to have such a great treatment center available for youth! It is such a great resource for families struggling and lost in our mental health system. They operate under the belief that kids are doing the best they can with the tools they have and if they're misbehaving, there is typically an underlying reason.

I'm always astounded at how many times we've been told that we must not be parenting right or that Chloe's willful and sometimes inappropriate behavior is something she can control. Kids who struggle with a mental illness or are on the Autism spectrum know that they're different and would happily change it if they could. Misbehavior is often bred out of necessity to survive, since they often lack the skills to effectively communicate and regulate emotions. And the dysfunctional parenting and household structure falls right in line in an attempt to maintain some peace and thwart continual crisis. As parents, we feel just as helpless and frustrated as our disabled child since "traditional" parenting tactics only serve to frustrate the child more and lead to an eventual shutdown or disastrous rage.

Yummy lemonade goes to Kairos for their warm and helpful welcome today and their forward thinking approach to therapy, parenting and family communication. For more information, visit www.kairosnw.org.

Much Needed Fun With Sis: Lemonade!

One month down in Corvallis for Chloe's residential treatment. She has a free overnight with mom and sister Sophia at a hotel in Eugene before she's transferred to Kairos in Grants Pass. The hard work with home visits begins this weekend on July 4th. Chloe doesn't come home "fixed." We're all learning new skills and tools to work with Chloe and her disabilities, as well as a family unit. It creates anxiety for us but we're ready to face the challenge with courage and love. We're on the road to some good lemonade!

Private/Providence Health Insurance: A Big Lemon!

Providence Health Insurance: A Big Lemon!

Private health insurance coverage for treating the mentally ill really stinks when you need it most. You'd think that with the Affordable Care Act, better coverage and more comprehensive health services would be available for the mentally ill. Well, think again!

We've just hit the two week mark with Chloe in residential treatment for her mental illness and were informed Friday that Providence Health Plans would only cover her through this weekend. Monday, they will begin denying claims. Geez, if I do the math right, I think Providence's "out-of-pocket" was less than ours!

As we understand it from the treatment facility, this is very common with private insurers. And we wonder why there are so many "crazies" out there going postal. Sorry if I seem a little bitter.

Lemons Anyone?

Sometimes Life Hands You Lemons . . .

You know how it goes, "Sometimes life hands you lemons . . ." What do you do? Well, try hard to make lemonade. In our household, we're still squeezing those darn lemons!

13 years ago, we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. Bright, big blue eyes, happy, alert, responsive. Everything expectant parents desire. Never did we expect our wonderful baby girl would lead us in the journey of our lives. I don't have to tell those of you living with a mentally ill child, have a mentally ill loved one in your life, or suffer from one yourself that there seems like a whole lot of days filled with lemons; rotten ones to be frank. But you also know that droplets of lemonade touch your life from time-to-time when you realize that you're more compassionate of others, you have a different perspective than many, you appreciate the little things, and there ishope that your child or loved one will lead a mostly happy and healthy life.

I hope in this blog you will find nuggets of information and resources that you can use and share those that you have. So much of this journey we have done blindly and often with little support from our educational and healthcare system. Share your stories of triumph, frustration and enlightenment so others can learn and share as well. Knowledge is power and I believe the more we tell our stories and information, the stronger and more empowered we become.

Let's make lemonade together!