"What's Your Drive for Writing a Book?

I recently starting working with a ghostwriter on a book I'm hoping to publish about our family's journey of mental illness, as well as the stories of other families in a similar situation. I've been so fortunate at the response I've received from those willing to share their stories. One mom who has a grown daughter around my age with bipolar asked me what's driving me to write a book and continue my blog. Below was my response:

"I’m almost 45 and wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar until I was 34. Our generation didn’t have the information we now have. I started experiencing symptoms in my teen years then it was in full force by the time I was in my twenties. I got some relief at 25 after my dad prescribed me Paxil for my anxiety and depression. But it wasn’t until nine years later that I was accurately diagnosed.

I have many reasons for wanting to write the book and it wasn’t until just recently that I felt I had the energy and focus to move forward on it. My daughter is 13 now and went to residential treatment last summer, first at Farm Home in Corvallis and then at Kairos in Grants Pass. Kairos was amazing and I believe has turned her life around. Before she went, we were in despair and fearful that, down the road, she would either end up seriously hurting or killing herself or someone else. Chloe was diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD when she was six-years-old by a pediatric psychiatrist in Medford. It took five more years to find a cocktail of medications that somewhat stabilized her where she wasn’t pulling knives or bats on her sister or neighbor kids or throwing objects across the room breaking things. After her mood was more stabilized, the damage to her self-esteem and coping skills had been done. We were lost and so was she. She had been surviving for so long with such highly dysfunctional coping skills that she didn’t know how to change or what that even looked like. So, it became a self-loathing and self-perpetuating cycle of anxiety, depression, lower self-esteem and so on. We didn’t know where to begin and we needed help and guidance. We felt it was necessary to send her to residential treatment.

Now that she’s been home five months and doing very, very well, I have a tremendous driving need to help others that are in similar situations and educate those who will listen about the facts and reality of mental illness. I want to start talking about it more so we can start minimizing the stigma and shame associated with it. I want others to know that they’re not alone and there are resources. If we can keep sharing and connecting, the knowledge and resources will grow and the stigma will diminish. I want to share my journey and others’ stories to learn from each other and start creating solutions. What has been so frustrating and miserable for me and my husband during this process is how little support and guidance there is. And how misinformation and ignorance breed reactive, dysfunctional systems in our government, schools, judicial bodies and health care. Just Wednesday, I spoke with another mother who had to hire an attorney to sue her school district for not providing her mentally ill daughter the supports the law requires. We did the exact same thing two years ago. Different school districts but same dysfunction of hiding information from parents and lying about what they are legally required to do. My family and this other woman had the financial resources to take this step. This was a miserable time for us. How many other families are out there in the same boat but can’t afford an attorney, much less have the time and emotional energy to deal with an attorney or a delinquent child. Then people wonder why these kids get in trouble or do drugs or, worse, kill a campus of elementary children or university students.

I guess I just feel like if we can keep creating awareness and sharing information, maybe at some point, mental illness will start getting some resources to make some systemic changes. And with my writing and marketing background, I have the knowledge and tools to move it forward. I’m just starting with baby steps and will keep moving forward to see where it takes me." J

I am still looking for families who are willing to share their stories of youth mental illness. If you or someone you know is willing to share, please message me on Facebook. You may remain anonymous.

Seeking Answers and Help: Lemonade!

I spent the weekend with a friend recently who confided in me that her teenage son was really struggling at home, in school and with friends. She and her husband don't know what to do, how to handle the situation or where to turn. Her house and life is in constant chaos and hugely stressful.

Geez, could I empathize! I remember walking on eggshells around Chloe, trying desperately not to rock the boat and throw her into a major rage that could last hours. It was a miserable time in our household that lasted for years. We were, in essence, prisoners of our own home by our daughter from the time she was five or six years old until she attended treatment last summer. For those who don't deal with mental illness on a daily basis, it can be difficult to understand and sympathize with the situation, concluding it MUST be poor parenting.

Now, my friend's son has been branded "a difficult" kid by his school, unwilling to cooperate and a trouble-maker. I feel sad and frustrated for my friend and her family who aren't receiving the resources they so desperately need from the school. I understand what it feels like to have nowhere to turn; to feel completely isolated and alone.

I suggested to my friend that she take her son to get evaluated by a professional. I don't know whether he has a mental illness but from what I understand, his self esteem is plummeting and he's becoming depressed, withdrawn, out of control and lost in the school system. In the very least, he may be able to benefit from some professional guidance.

One of the best lessons I learned from Chloe's treatment was that kids don't want to behave badly and they do the best they can with what they have. Whether that's a caring and supportive family, a chemical imbalance which causes undue stress and chaos, or a situation filled with abuse and drugs, we all are products of our environment, and in some cases, nature. I'm proud of my friend for having the courage to confide in me about her family's struggles and seek answers. She's taking the first step in regaining a healthy home. Lemonade for her!

Painful Observations: Lemon

Sometimes it's hard to watch your kids grow up. I personally struggle seeing Chloe trying to build friendships. It has always been a challenge for her. I can remember even at age three her pre-school teacher telling me she didn't easily make friends and would go stand by the bunny every day during recess.

Now, at age 13, Chloe continues to struggle making and keeping friends. Understanding body language and boundaries for kids and people like Chloe is a challenge at best. What comes easily and naturally for sister Sophia is a daily labyrinth for Chloe, navigating what to do or say in a multitude of situations. When framed in this context, it's easy to see why kids and people with Aspergers get frustrated and depressed.

I take some of Chloe's classmates from Armadillo every Friday to an animal rehabilitation farm where the kids earn work credit. I witness first hand the growing pains she and some of the other kids experience because of their "different" behavior. Even among those kids who ignore Chloe or shun her, it is a stark reminder that kids do the best they can with what they have. Kids' and adults' reactions are born from preconceived notions and a lack of understanding about how to interact with those unlike us.

One of my daily reminders and affirmations: Be patient, caring and supportive. Life can be painful: Lemon!

Pix: Chloe, 13; Sophia, 12

Bitter Relapses: Lemons

Relapses are a bitter reminder that a mental illness must always be managed. I received a message from a college friend last weekend that her 14-year-old Aspergers daughter had been admitted to inpatient treatment for severe depression. Her daughter is a cutter and had a similar episode a year ago. People cut to mask the pain they feel inside; to distract them from it. For many, it's a very shameful behavior but one that can become addictive quickly. Other behaviors that mask internal pain are drinking too much, overworking, gambling, shopping (guilty), eating disorders, the list goes on.

Chloe struggles with depression too and for a kid with Aspergers, it can often go unnoticed because of their deep thinking, introverted personality. My friend's message perked up my awareness and reminded me the importance of checking in with both my girls. It's easy to get wrapped up in my own thoughts and life that I forget to be conscious of my daughters' behaviors and body language, especially Chloe's. Sophia is good at expressing her feelings but Chloe struggles with identifying what her feelings are in the present. It can take weeks for her to process them then connect feelings to thoughts and words.

I want to thank my friend for sharing with me her family's current struggles with her daughter. It was a good reminder for me to be aware of our loved ones, especially those who struggle, and check in periodically. Sending positive energy your way, IU sister!

"I told my class about my bipolar": Lemonade!

Chloe had a few of her classmates from Armadillo over a few weeks ago for a sleepover. We were all talking and she says to me nonchalantly, "I told my class about my bipolar the other day." Surprised, I said, "You did? How'd that come up?" "I emailed Jesse (science teacher, they use first names at Armadillo) information on bipolar and Aspergers and asked if I could tell my class about it," she said confidently. "Wow! Good for you Chloe!" I said.

Our girl has come a long way! I think we adults could all learn a lot from Chloe's courage and strength to defy the shame and stigma of mental illness and be real about what it is and who she is. Just like anyone with a mental illness, she can't control having it but she can manage it.

We are grateful and encouraged for her continued progress and we are working through life's trials one day at a time. Early intervention with a mental illness is critical and can prevent numerous other issues down the road, not just personally but in the community as well (remember my friend's "crazy neighbor", or Sandyhook, Virginia Tech, Columbine and so many others?). For every success story like Chloe, there are probably 10 kids or people and their families suffering out there because they don't know what to do, don't have the resources to get help, and remain stuck in the vicious miserable cycle of mental illness. NAMI.org is a good resource and place to start. But just like Chloe, we have a long way to go!

New Skills with School: Lemonade!

First week down with the girls back in school and feeling successful. I was so proud of Chloe last weekend before her first day back. It's common for those of us who struggle with a mental illness to try to bite off more than we know we can chew. Unlike those of you with "normal" brains, we tend to be hyper-sensitive and overstimulated easily. We can't power through things or "suck it up" like many can.

Last week, Chloe told me she wanted to go to school full-time starting the first day back. My stomach dropped when she told me. The circumstances seemed all too familiar from the past three years. She would go into school all gung-ho and excited only to get overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated, defeated and then depressed. Depression would turn into dread of attending school and then refusal, unable to get past her fear of failure. A self-defeating cycle that would haunt her day after day, causing her to miss a lot of school. Last year, Chloe was enrolled part-time but only attended about 30% of the time. We found an amazing school that caters to kids who struggle like Chloe. It's called Armadillo Technical Institute. They have much smaller class sizes and are able to be very flexible with schedules and expectations.

After Chloe told me she wanted to go full-time, I remained calm and positive and encouraged her to use her new skills moving forward and listen to her body's cues. Jeff and I let her know that if she needed to scale back we would be supportive and she shouldn't feel badly about herself or ashamed. The days passed by as we planned transportation and meal needs for her full-time schedule. About 6 p.m. the night before her first day at school, Chloe said to me, "Mama, I've decided I only want to go to school part-time. I think it will be too much for me if I go full-time."

"Hallelujah!" That was the best news I'd heard in months! Her self-realization of what was appropriate for her was a sweet lemonade victory and worth some of that misery and pain we all endured last summer. Cheers to part-time school for my Chloe!

Chloe's Home - Lemonade!

"Chloe's Home!" is what my husband and I laughingly said to each other after I walked up the stairs the other night after arriving home from work and my evening workout. There was stuff strewn from one end of the house to the other. Jeff described the elaborate cat fort that Chloe had devised with bed sheets outside on the upper deck. A plethora of huge trash bags were stuffed with toys, dolls and the like all ready for a grand garage sale Chloe is planning in an effort to make some extra school shopping money.

You see, this was the first day Jeff and I came home from work after Chloe's discharge. We discharged Chloe on a Thursday and immediately headed north for a soccer tournament with Sophia's team. She did great in Portland over the long weekend and we were so proud of how she used her new skills to communicate when she was overstimulated and struggling.

This first week home has been very successful as Chloe works hard to implement healthy habits and stay on track. Our therapist informs us that changing routines at home will be super difficult for Chloe and hard work. She says that for the past 13 years, Chloe has been on the same path, carving a trench in her mind and among her neurotransmitters. Now, we're asking her to change the path of those neurotransmitters with only 10 weeks of practice at treatment. She is doing super and is trudging along practicing healthy habits.

This evening we celebrated with the grandparents Chloe's successful arrival home. We're so happy to have her back and work on healthy days with her. Yummy lemonade my girl! We are so proud of you!!